Chapter One
“Are you still sleeping? You only have an hour to catch the bus for school,” my mother says as she smacks my right thigh.
“Ouch Mama!” I moan as I rub the sore spot. “You don’t have to hit me this hard when you wake me up.”
“Well then try to wake up when your alarm rings and I wouldn’t have to come in here to wake you up,” she says as she goes to my brother’s room. I turn over on my belly to say my morning prayer. My mother comes back to my room to check on me and sees me on my belly with my hands clasped together in prayer. I hear her quietly shut my door. I know that once my mother sees me in this praying position, she will leave me alone. My parents are both evangelical Christians who hold important positions in our church. They are very strict and expect my brother Samuel and I to follow biblical rules to the letter. Even though I am 16 years, I am not allowed to have male visitors at home without a chaperon. While other girls my age have boyfriends, my parents feel that boyfriends are a distraction and want me to focus on finishing high school first. My parents believe in disciplining children and do not hesitate to bring out the paddle when either of us breaks a rule. I discovered at an early age that the way to my parents’ heart is to read my Bible and pray.
“Ouch!” I jump from my bed and wipe away the drool from my cheek.
“You fell asleep again!” my mom says, “Now you only have 30 minutes to catch the bus. You better hurry because I do not have the time to drive you if you miss the bus.” This time she waits for me to go to the bathroom before leaving my room. I finish showering and dressing up in 15 minutes and race downstairs to grab a bite. I drop two strawberry pop tarts into the toaster and pack my lunch for school. I attend Mountain High Christian Academy, a private school that is half an hour away from where we live. The school does not serve hot lunches. Students either bring their own lunch or may purchase pre-packaged sandwiches from the vending machine.
We live in a college town called Sayreville. We moved here three years ago because my father wanted to do an MBA in Banking. He found a school in this area that had the program he wanted and had good reviews. My parents quit their jobs, rented our house in Bethlehem, and the family relocated here. My mother got a job in the Dean’s office at Salisbury College, a four-year liberal arts school. She is now the main bread winner of the family. My mother heard of Mountain High Christian school from a church friend and we went there to check it out. The school is very strict but given my upbringing, it was not hard to adjust. I particularly like that I can play piano and learn other musical instruments. The school has a bus and parents who wish their children to use it have to pay a monthly fee. I have my learner’s permit and get to drive on weekends when my mom goes grocery shopping. During the week, I ride the bus to school. There are specific locations where the school bus stops. I am fortunate that my house is one of the stops!
There are three of us that hang out at school; Elaine, Deanene and I. Elaine is 17 and Deneane is 18. I turn 17 in a month. Deanene is an only child and is the only one in our group who has a car however, she lives so close to the school that it does not make sense for her to drive. Elaine lives in my neighborhood, with her mother and two younger brothers. Her father is in the military and is currently on deployment to Afghanistan. Elaine’s mother is a scientist at a pharmaceutical company.
All three of us are taking AP classes. We hope to get into selective colleges next year so this final year at school is a living hell. We all took our SAT in the fall of our junior year and earned good scores. Elaine had the highest score, at 1560. Deanene scored 1490 and I was in the middle at 1520. We spend most of our free hours studying in the school library or in our classrooms. Our class is extremely competitive and everyone is pretty much a nerd. Even though recess is on the schedule, everyone spends recess in study hall.
As my mother works in the dean’s office of Salisbury College, I am able to take a couple of classes for free. It is pretty exciting to be able to take college classes. I have been told that I act very mature for my age. I agree! I started taking classes at Salisbury College last semester.
I arrive at the bus stop just as the driver is about to pull off. Thankfully he notices me and reopens the door. I hear Elaine yelling out my name as she runs across the street. I wait for her before climbing onto the bus.
“You are late too?” I ask.
“I overslept,” she responds. We both thank the driver as we walk to the back to find a spot. “I stayed up late working on an English paper.”
“I was working on the science project. I did not get to bed till 3 a.m.” I inform her.
“I don’t know when I fell asleep but I woke around 4 a.m. because my face hurt. I was sleeping on the keyboard!” she says.
“Wow,” I burst out laughing.
“I had somehow typed some gibberish on the screen. I am just grateful that my cheek did not erase my work!” she says.
“Not just erased, but erased and saved the blank page!” I add.
“Grrrrrrrr,” she says with a shudder, “Don’t even say that! It took me hours to write that 10-page paper.”
“I am glad I turned that paper in last week. It was stressing me out!” I say.
“Why can’t all courses be math and science? Isn’t it enough that we speak the English language?” she asks.
“Good question. Let us bring it to the student’s Senate,” I say with a smile and Elaine sighs dramatically. I retrieve a textbook from my bag and start studying for a Social Studies test. Elaine does likewise.
Chapter Two
After school, I leave Elaine and Deanene at the library and catch the bus. The bus runs twice after school: once at 3:30p.m., and then again at 5:30p.m. At 3:30 those who ride the bus are students who are not taking part in extracurricular activities, including sports. In high school, there are students who are not into sports but who stay to use the library.
I take classes at the college on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and therefore I take the 3:30 bus on those days. Thankfully, the college is one of the stops on the bus route, which is so convenient for me. The ride from school to Salisbury College is 15 minutes. I often stop by the Student’s Union to find something to eat before my class starts at 4:30p.m. Today, I go to Subway and get a Philly Cheesesteak six inch sandwich. I text my mother to tell her I am on campus. On the days I have to take classes, my mother works till 6p.m. so we drive home together. On those days, my father picks up Samuel from school. Samuel is in the 3rd grade at Calvary Christian School.
I find a seat in a quiet area in the Student Union and work out some math problems as I eat my sandwich.
“I knew I would find you here,” William says as he pulls a chair from another table and sits down. My heart starts to beat faster as usual. I don’t know why I have such a huge crush on this guy! William is a freshman at Salisbury College. He wants to major in Political Science and then go to law school after graduation.
I met William in my English class last summer. It was my first class in college and I was extremely intimidated. I would go to the classroom early and always sat at the back. As the other students arrived, they would sit closer to the front. On that day, William entered the class with two older students. I noticed him because he was telling them a joke and they were laughing hysterically. As we waited for the professor to arrive, William went round the class, chatting with his course mates. Everybody seemed to know and like him. Eventually the teacher arrived and William settled at a desk.
The English professor was a pleasant elderly man who kept referring to me as the CIA agent at the back, which caused the class to break out in laughter each time. When we introduced ourselves, I realized that I was the only high school student in the class. The instructor invited me to sit closer to the others and assured me they wouldn’t bite. I changed seats and ended up sitting by William. He held out his hand and introduced himself with a big smile. I shook his proffered hand and smiled.
I can remember feeling all warm and tingly when I touched him. He looked so gorgeous like he had just walked out of the cover of a fashion magazine. During the lecture, I looked at him when the professor said something funny and we would laugh together. I kept looking for opportunities to turn to look at him and he always smiled when our eyes met. I was instantly attracted to William, a feeling that I hadn’t yet had for any of the boys in my high school. My strict upbringing did not allow me to think about boys beyond the concept of classmates. With William however, I felt I had no control over my feelings. I wanted to get to know him and laugh with him.
When the attendance sheet that was going round arrived at my table, my pen dropped on the floor as I leaned forward to take the sheet of paper from the student sitting in front of me. I have a habit of sticking my pen behind my ear. My friends think it is weird but I can’t remember a time when I didn’t do that. I like that I always know where to find my pen. William quickly picked up my pen and fixed it back behind my ear. I almost squealed as his hands touched my ears. It felt very ticklish and sent a shiver through my entire body. I smiled awkwardly at William, retrieved the pen and signed my name on the sheet.
After class, I hurried out because my mother would be waiting for me at the office. I also wanted to get away from William. I did not want to act awkwardly around him because I was very attracted to him. It felt unchristian to be so attracted to someone I had just met. Before I could leave the corridor, however, William was behind me, tapping me on the shoulder.
“Sally, are you late for another class?” he asked.
“No I am just going to my mother’s office,” I said.
“She is a faculty member?” he asked.
“No, she is the administrative assistant for the Dean of Social Science,” I say.
“Mrs. Peterson is your mother?”
“Yes, she is,” I told him.
“She is a really nice woman. Actually she is the nicest administrative assistant I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. She makes you feel very welcome.”
“I will be happy to tell her you said that,” I said with a smile as my uneasiness vanished.
“Please do. She must be so proud to have a smart daughter,” he said.
“How do you know I am smart? I hardly said a word in there, except to introduce myself.”
“Well, you are already taking college level classes. You have to be smart to do that. I was very lazy in high school. I had no motivation to study. If I had taken AP classes or some college classes, I wouldn’t have had so many courses to take at Salisbury.”
“Didn’t you have a school counselor?” I asked.
“Of course I did. I just didn’t listen. And it is not that I am not smart, I did not want to push myself. I preferred to take easy classes that allowed me to get As.”
“That is not a bad strategy,” I told him.
“But your strategy is even better,” he said. We chatted as he walked me to the building that housed my mother’s office. I did not want my mother to see me walking with a male on my first day at the college and I struggled to find a reason for cutting our walk short. Thankfully we met another male student whom William introduced as his roommate. He was on his way to a math class that William had also registered for. William left with him.
Over the summer, I got to know William better. He was the youngest son of four children. His father was a pastor who used to be a missionary overseas. Their family has lived in India, Taiwan, the Philippines and Malaysia. William hopes to be a missionary when he graduates. I became even more drawn to William when I saw how zealous he was about his faith. William and I found ourselves hanging out before class started, if he was free. We spent our time together in the library or in the Student’s Union building. I learned that William was passionate about the Bible. He carried a King James Bible wherever he went, even to school! Most Christians feel obliged to read the Bible, but William LOVED to read the Bible. Each time we chatted, he found a way to switch the conversation to a biblical subject.
The first time he started talking about the Bible, I wanted to tell him not to preach to me because I am already a Christian. To me, talking about, or reading the Bible was for church services, Bible study, and morning devotions. The rest of the time was for non-biblical stuff. William however is not preachy when he talks about the Bible. With him, it was as if he was talking about a fascinating research project. His fascination for scripture was infectious. He continued to challenge several pre-held conceptions of mine and always showed me scripture to validate his argument. Eventually I started carrying a Bible too. My preference was the New International Version.
In the early days of our friendship, I used to feel like a sinner because I had such a strong attraction to William. I soon felt vindicated because we spent a great deal of time talking about the Bible. We shared our morning devotions, memorized scripture together, and embarked on research projects. The summer was a great time to do this because I did not have to take classes at my school. I just took the English class at the college and did some studying on my own. I spent a majority of my days at the college and the rest of my time with Deanene and Elaine. They had not yet met William and thought he sounded boring.
“I have to attend church, Bible study, and chapel, daily at school. That is enough religion for me,” Elaine had said.
“I know! To be carrying a Bible around like an old preacher is just taking it to the extreme,” Deanene had joined in. They were pretty mean about it and that hurt my feelings. I started editing my conversation when I told my friends about my day with William. I particularly did not tell them about my attraction to him.
It was difficult for me to tell my mother about William. I was afraid that by talking about him, she would figure out that I had feelings for him. However, I also knew that since I spent most of my time on campus with him, it would be best for me to introduce them. On one afternoon, William and I were researching “prayer” in the Bible when one of his many friends came to get him to help him transport a heavy box to a conference room on the third floor of the Student’s Union. When they left, I kept on reading my Bible and was taking notes when I heard a squeal. I looked up to see my mother beaming with smiles. She could not believe that I was ‘studying’ the Bible at school and during lunch! I told her that a classmate and I were researching prayer. Initially I did not tell her that the research partner was male. My mother sat in William’s spot and was looking at the extensive notes he had written on the subject. She was in awe that a college student will dedicate this much time to researching the Bible. I was glad that prior to her meeting William, my mother already had a positive impression about him. A few minutes later, William joined us.
“Hello Mrs. Peterson,” William had stated.
“Hello?” my mom had responded as she tried to remember how she knew him.
“I have been to your office a few times to meet with the Dean. He is a deacon in my church,” William offered.
“Now I remember!” my mother exclaimed.
“Are you joining our discussion?” William asked.
“Are these your notes?” my mother had asked and William nodded and started telling her about our study. For about fifteen minutes, they appeared to have forgotten that I was sitting there. I didn’t mind being ignored. I knew that if my mother approved of William as a person, she would approve of our friendship. And she did!
On our way home, she remarked: “A young man who loves the Lord, is one who can be trusted.” William and my mom started a ritual where they learned a memory verse each day and recited it when they met. My mother invited William over to our house for dinner a couple of Sundays. It was at one such dinner invitation that Deanene and Elaine met William. After dinner, William thanked my parents and left for campus. The girls and I went upstairs to hang out, one of the few times that we just chatted without bothering about schoolwork.
“I cannot believe how cute that dork is!” Elaine said.
“I know. I pictured this short fellow with curly brown hair, a thick mustache and beard, big round rimmed glasses, and B.O.,” Deanene said and Elaine burst into laughter.
“Thank you for saying I have no standards,” I said, feeling hurt.
“No I did not say you have no standards. I just cannot believe that the Bible-carrying, memory verse-quoting guy is this hot dude! How tall is he? Six feet at least I am sure,” Deanene said.
“He is six foot three,” I corrected.
“And he works out!” Elaine added.
William was a gorgeous guy that could have been deservedly standoffish but it was easy to forget how handsome he looked because he was so practical and friendly. He did not even seem to realize how handsome he was. At 19 years, he had a driver’s license, but preferred to ride a bicycle everywhere. He recycled everything that could be re-used and yet at the same time, he would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. Even though we spent a lot of time together, I could not assume that our relationship was more than platonic. He had many friends and was nice to everyone he met. I noticed how other girls flirted shamelessly with him. I believed the reason he spent so much time with me was because I was the only one who was willing to do Bible research with him.
“Did you see how blue his eyes are?” Elaine asked.
“I know! I could not stop staring at him,” Deanene said. “And he sounds smart too!”
“So are you going to take back all the bad things that you said about him?” I asked.
“We didn’t say anything bad about him,” Deanene said.
“Well, just that he was boring,” Elaine added.
“But I can understand why you like spending so much time with him. He is very pleasant to be with,” Deanene said.
“So are you officially boyfriend and girlfriend?” Elaine asked.
“What? No. What? No, no, no!” I said.
“I think you are protesting too much. Are you hiding something? You know we tell each other everything,” Deanene said.
“I am not hiding anything. We are just friends. We spend a lot of time together when I am on campus. Just like I spend a lot of time with you two,” I protested.
“Only this friend is a guy,” Elaine said.
“A hot guy,” Deanene added.
“A very hot guy,” Elaine added again.
“Oh stop it guys. You will be the first to know if anything is going on,” I told them.
“You like him?” Deanene asked.
“Yeah, I do. He is a nice friend,” I said. I almost told them how I felt about him but I didn’t.
“Hmm…hmmm,” Deanene said disbelievingly. Thankfully, the topic gradually moved away from me to other issues. I was very glad to get off the hot seat… even if temporarily.
Chapter Three
“How was your test?” I now ask William.
“The test was easy, thank God!” William says.
“Well you did study hard for it,” I say.
“Yes I did,” he says. “How was school for you?”
“Same old, same old,” I shrug.
“Don’t worry, high school will be over before you know it,” he says.
“It doesn’t look like college is any easier. If anything, you live away from home, have bills, work, and still have to study!” I say.
“Hahahahaha,” he says, “You have a point.”
“Are you getting anything to eat?” I ask.
“I had a calzone before I went to class. I didn’t want to take a French test on an empty stomach,” he says.
“Oh ok. Well you are welcome to share my sandwich,” I say, knowing he would refuse.
“Thank you,” he says and takes my sandwich. My mouth is open in shock as I see his right hand move the sandwich to his lips. “Hahahahahaha, you should see the horrified look on your face. I guess you didn’t intend to share it with me?”
“I was being polite,” I say, and snatch back my sandwich.
“I know. I was just messing with you,” he says. “So you want to hear what new discoveries I made while reading Songs of Solomon?” he asks.
“I am not sure I have ever read that book of the Bible,” I say.
“It is the romantic poet’s handbook,” he says and pulls out his Bible. He is about to open it when his phone rings. I watch the rapid changes of facial expression as the conversation progresses. I sense there is something wrong.
“Hey dad, what’s up? … I have a class in 15 minutes…What? When? How long have you known this? Dad! I will leave now. I will rent a car from Enterprise. I should be home in three hours tops. See you dad. I will be praying. Bye.”
“What is wrong?” I inquire worriedly.
“My mom is in the hospital. She is going to have surgery to have a cancerous tumor removed,” he says softly. His voice shakes as he speaks and he looks so sad as if he is about to cry. “My grandma passed away five years ago from kidney cancer.”
“I am so sorry William,” I say and touch his arm.
“I know,” he says and pats my hand.
“So you are going to skip class then?” I ask.
“Yes I will. I’ll drive home right away. I will have to let the professor know before I leave, so he doesn’t dock points for my absence.”
“Good idea,” I say. “How are you going to get to Enterprise?” I ask.
“I will get my roommate to give me a ride.” William looks confused as he picks his Bible from the table, puts it on the floor, then back on the table, and then taps his pocket as if he is looking for a key. I feel sorry for him as I imagine what he is going through. I wonder what I can do to help him. There is not much I can do. It occurs to me that I can pray with him.
“Do you mind me praying with you?” I ask.
“I will be grateful if you did,” he says and we bow our heads while I pray with him for a few minutes, asking God to take care of his mother and to protect William during the trip home. William thanks me, packs his books, picks his bag and turns to leave. He takes a few steps, returns and leans over to give me a hug.
“I feel so scared,” he whispers in my ear and I pat him on the back not knowing what to say.
“I’ll keep praying,” I manage to croak. My heart is beating faster than usual and my mouth feels unbearably dry. His lips rest on my right cheek for a few seconds kiss, and he whispers a thank you before releasing me and walking away. I am glad that I am still sitting down. I am sure I would have glided onto the floor had I been standing. I now understand what it means when someone says their knees feel like jelly. This is my first kiss from a male who is not family. What does the kiss mean? Is it a mere thank you kiss? Is it a boyfriend kiss? Is a kiss on the cheek always a friendly one? Could it be that William is also attracted to me? Gosh I hope so! I would like to be more than a Bible study partner.
Chapter Four
After class, I go to my mom’s office and tell her about William’s mother and my mom starts tearing up. She calls a couple of her friends from church and we meet at the church to pray for William. I call him around 9p.m. He has arrived home and is at the hospital. He sounds exhausted.
“Did you talk to her?” I ask.
“Yes I did. She is so scared. I have never seen my mother so scared. Growing up, she was the one who always terrified us with her booming voice and stern look. Now, she is as scared as a child. She does not want surgery and is praying hard that the tumor will disappear before tomorrow morning when she has to have the procedure. I fear that if she doesn’t get healed, my mother might lose her faith,” he says with a crack in his voice.
“We just got back from church. My mother and I went there to pray for your family, with some members from our church,” I say.
“Oh thank you so much Sally. That means the world to me. I know this is the time for me to be praying but I can’t bring myself to do that. I am so relieved to hear that your family is standing in the gap for us.”
“You are welcome. I also have the notes from today’s lecture. I will type them up and email to you.”
“You are an angel, Sally. You really are,” he says and my heart skips several beats. Before I can respond, he adds “My dad wants me.”
“Well, I will let you go then,” I say with disappointment. “I will call you tomorrow to check on you. What time is the surgery?”
“7a.m.”
“I will be praying. I will call you tomorrow, ok?”
“I look forward to hearing your voice Sally. You breathe strength into me,” he says. A broad smile appears on my face as I realize that I may mean more to William than just a mere friend. Or maybe not… Christian friends are expected to strengthen each other. I feel deflated.
“Well try and rest up then,” I say, trying to sound upbeat.
“I will try.”
“Bye William,” I say.
“Bye Sally, I love you,” he says.
“I love you too,” I respond on autopilot, and hang up.
What? What did I just say? What did he say? I love you? Is this the Christian brotherly love or is this love, love? I pace up and down my room, trying to understand his last statement. I dare not get my hopes up. I want to call Elaine and Deanene but I restrain myself from calling, knowing that I would prefer to talk to the girls in person about this development. I lay on my bed daydreaming about William and I, holding hands as we take a long walk at the park. We will sit side by side on the bench and drink from each other’s eyes … and we will kiss. I gasp at my audaciousness, yet I cannot stop smiling as I think of the prospect of William kissing me!
The next day I meet Elaine at the bus stop and tell her I have something to tell her, but I want Deanene to be there as well. She keeps trying to pry it out of me and it is very hard to not spill the beans. I know that Deanene will be hurt if I told Elaine first. I do tell Elaine that it is about William and me. I try to say it with a straight face but I end up smiling which gets Elaine’s creative mind flowing with suggestions.
When we arrive at school, we go directly to the lab. We have to work on a chemistry group project with other classmates, after which we go for morning chapel. I am unable to pay attention to what Pastor Fred is saying. I keep thinking about the kiss on my cheek and “I love you.” I hear bits of the preaching filter through my thoughts. It appears that Pastor Fred is talking about fornication and why we must abstain from sexual acts before we are married. Does William love me like a boyfriend? I have never had a boyfriend before. Oddly, I am a little apprehensive about having a boyfriend. I am definitely attracted to William but I am not sure I am completely ready for the role of girlfriend. Why am I having such conflicting emotions? I should be doing cartwheels. William loves me! But … as what? I hope the mother is alright. I did not want to call him in the morning because the mother would be in surgery. We are not allowed to use cellphones at school and so I will only be able to call him when school is over for the day. I hear the students singing a hymn and I realize that the service is over. We exit the chapel after Pastor Fred shares the benediction.
“Well someone is distracted today,” Deanene says.
“Sally has something juicy to tell us about William,” Elaine says.
“Unfortunately we have a math class in two minutes so the story has to wait,” I say with disappointment. We hurry to class and the three of us steal glances at each other from time to time. Elaine passes me a note asking that I write the juicy story for them to read. Ms. Robertson nearly catches me as I hand back the note asking the girls to be patient.
During lunch, the three of us hurry to the playground and find a picnic bench.
“Finally!” Deanene says as I sit beside her. We unwrap our lunches and I tell them about William’s mother’s surgery.
“I am sorry to hear that,” Elaine says. “Is she alright?”
“I don’t know yet. I will call him after school to find out,” I say.
“I don’t mean to appear rude or uncaring, but is that the juicy news?” Deanene asks as she bites into a pepperoni roll.
“William kissed me,” I say.
“What?” Deanene shrieks and the piece of bread rolls out of her mouth and falls on her skirt. She picks it up and pops it back into the mouth.
“He kissed you?” Elaine asks with great interest and I nod.
“Where?” Deanene asks.
“On the cheek,” I say.
“I thought you said you were just friends,” Deanene says.
“We are,” I say and share the story of how the kiss happened and about the phone conversation.
“He said he loved you?” Elaine screams.
“Yes he did,” I say.
“And what did you say?” Deanene asks.
“I told him I loved him too,” I say shyly.
“Do you?” Elaine asks.
“I think I do,” I say. “But I don’t know whether he loves me, loves me or whether it is just agape love.” In one of his sermons, Pastor Fred had discussed the three forms of love: eros, philos, and agape. Agape (brotherly) love is supposed to be the highest and purest form of love and is devoid of lust.
“How can it be agape love? He kisses you on your cheek and then he says he loves you. There is nothing brotherly about that!” Deanene says.
“But the two events did not happen simultaneously. I would probably say he is just being brotherly. He must be going through a lot with his mother being at the hospital and all,” Elaine says.
“Yeah, you must be right,” I say with disappointment.
“I disagree that it is brotherly. You guys spend all your time on campus together. Which brother would want to hang around his sister for that long?” Deanene asks.
“A Christian brother?” I respond.
“Yes! A Christian brother with romantic motives. That’s who!” Deanene says.
“I would say, wait till he comes back and the two of you can talk about it,” Elaine suggests.
“I don’t want to ask him to characterize the nature of the kiss!” I exclaim.
“You don’t have to ask him. You can wait to see how he behaves. Would he be more endearing or would he act like his regular self,” Elaine suggests.
“William is naturally endearing to everyone!” I say with exasperation.
“The two of you are like two peas in a pod,” Deanene says.
“You think so?” I ask.
“I agree that you would be a perfect couple,” Elaine says with a smile, just as Pastor Fred walks toward us. He lives in the parsonage which is located on the other side of the playground, and often goes home for lunch.
“Change of topic. Pastor Fred is on his way home,” I say and we stop discussing William and we focus on our lunch. When Pastor Fred gets to us, he stops. I say a quick prayer that he does not ask us to recite this week’s memory verse.
“Enjoying your lunch?” he asks and we nod.
“What is this week’s memory verse?” he asks and I rack my brain to no avail.
“First Corinthians Chapter 6 verses 18 to 20: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.” Elaine recites, and Pastor Fred showers her with praise before continuing his journey home.
“Good save, Elaine,” I say.
“I know! I don’t think he would have left if one of us hadn’t quoted it,” Deanene says.
“He preaches that same old sermon on sexual immorality twice every semester,” she says as she rolls her eyes.
“Let’s not start this discussion. Recess will be over in less than ten minutes,” Elaine says. We all know Deanene’s views about fornication. She does not agree with the Bible that it is a sin. The first time I heard her say that, I was completely in shock. It was a year ago and Pastor Fred had preached the sermon on fornication, and sternly warned us to abstain from sex or end up in hell. That day, the girls kept to themselves, as did the boys. We were quite traumatized by the sermon and felt that even by chatting with someone of the opposite sex, we would be damned.
“I don’t completely agree with Pastor Fred,” Deanene had said that day as we were waiting for the bus. She led us away from the group waiting for the bus.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I don’t think having sex with someone you love is a sin. I don’t agree with those who sleep with anyone just for the heck of it. If you are in love, you should be able to share yourself with the other person,’ she says, and Elaine and I stared at her in shock.
“You are saying that having pre-marital sex is not wrong?” Elaine asked.
“Yes, I don’t see it as being wrong,” she said.
“But it is in the Bible!” I said.
“I know, but some of the rules in the Bible do not apply to us anymore,” she said.
“Like what?” Elaine asked.
“Our bodies are supposed to be temples of God. Any sin is outside the body but the sin of fornication is against the body,” I cut in before Deanene had a chance to answer Elaine’s question.
“Do you really believe that Pastor Fred and his wife never did it before he got married? It is just not realistic,” Deanene said.
“Eeew, I don’t want to think about them doing it,” Elaine said.
“I don’t know whether they did it or not. The fact is that the Bible says it is wrong,” I said.
“Have you ever been in love before?” Deanene asked.
“No, I haven’t had the time,” I said.
“When you are in love, you are powerless. You just want to be with the other person. To touch them, to kiss them, to be with them completely,” she said.
“How would you know?” Elaine asked and Deanene looked at the floor.
“Are you saying you are not a virgin?” I asked in horror.
“Don’t judge me okay?” Deanene said.
“I am not judging you. I am only asking a question,” I said.
“See the look of contempt on your face! This is why I did not tell you. I knew you were going to think less of me,” she said.
“I am not thinking less of you,” I said.
“Stop lying!” she screamed.
“How did it happen? With whom?” Elaine asked.
“Phillip,” Deanene said.
“That idiot? You didn’t love him,” I said.
“Yeah… well,” Deanene said.
“Did you want him to do that with you? Did you ask for it?” Elaine asked.
“He kept asking and asking and asking, and then he started doing it. Once he started, I
didn’t stop him,” she said
“He raped you!” I exclaimed.
“Shh! Stop screaming,” she said.
“Was it rape?” Elaine asked.
“I don’t know,” Deanene said.
“Of course it was rape. He forced you. How can you say it was love?” I said.
“With Philip it wasn’t love. It hurt that I had broken my virginity with someone who forced me. I should have protested more. I should have prevented it,” Deanene said sadly.
“He is stronger than you,” Elaine said.
“But the thing is that it happened again,” Deanene said.
“With Phillip?” I asked
“No, with my current boyfriend,” Deanene said.
“Was that rape too?” Elaine asked.
“No it wasn’t. I love Todd and he loves me too. We both felt it was alright for us to do that,” Deanene explained.
“But did you not feel guilty?” I asked.
“I did, after Phillip and for the first time with Todd. He also felt guilty too but we talked about it for a long time and we decided that when you are in love, it is alright.”
“Wow,” I said, as I tried to wrap my mind around Deanene’s revelation.
“It is impossible not to do it. Pastor Fred comes to warn us about sex and threatens us with hell but once he is done, he goes home to his wife at home. Of course it is easy for him to preach about it. Take the pastor at the church my parents force me to attend for instance; he used to be a drug addict, an alcoholic and literally a male prostitute. After years of having fun, he gave his life to Christ and married his wife, the one who led him to Christ. Now he preaches about how we have to be chaste. What a double standard! Give me someone who has actually managed to remain chaste and is still single and then maybe I will believe them,” Deanene ranted.
“But they are not our standard. My mom keeps telling me that she is not the standard I should follow. My guide is the Bible,” I said.
“It is an impossible standard to attain,” Deanene said.
“Well I plan to remain a virgin till I get married,” Elaine said.
“Good luck to you,” Deanene said disbelievingly.
“I watched this show where this 25 year old virgin was selling her virginity to the highest bidder,” Elaine said.
“I watched that show with my mother! She was absolutely horrified,” I recalled. “I wouldn’t call her a virgin though. She had never been you know, pe..ne..tra..ted by a man, but she had done everything else with them. I think that the virginity that the Bible demands of us is of a higher standard. You have to keep your private parts away from the opposite gender,” I said.
“You have a point,” Elaine concurred.
“I still think that if you were in love, you would think otherwise,” Deanene said emphatically and Elaine and I continued to protest.
“You are lost in your thoughts again,” Deanene says, drawing me to the present.
“You are right,” I confess.
“I guess we can only wait till William comes back,” Elaine says as she takes us back to the conversation we were having before Pastor Fred came.
Chapter Five
After school, I walk to the playground to use my cell phone to call William. He does not pick up but as I walk back to the building, my cellphone rings.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” he says wearily.
“You sound exhausted,” I remark.
“I am. It has been a trying day. My mother was hysterical this morning. She was screaming that she did not want the surgery. God could heal her. My father, my siblings and I kept talking to her, trying to let her understand that having surgery did not mean God was not healing her. The surgery had to be delayed. It took her pastor, a psychologist and several women from the church to convince her that the surgery was alright. The doctor was kind enough to perform the procedure two hours after the scheduled time.”
“Did everything go well?”
“The doctor said it did but she has to go through chemotherapy too. I am not looking forward to that part of the treatment. If she is depressed now, I shudder to imagine how she would behave when her looks start to change because of the chemotherapy.”
“Wow, there is such a long road ahead of you,” I say.
“Tell me about it. How are you doing?” he inquires.
“I am alright,” I respond.
“How is school?” he asks.
“Same old…”
“Same old!” he cuts in. “You are so predictable.”
“No I am not,” I protest.
“Of course you are,” he says. “So tell me more about your day.”
“You are the one having a tough day. Let’s talk about you,” I say.
“No, I have had enough of my day. I need something to take my mind off my day. Did anything interesting happen today?” he asks.
“I don’t think so,” I say as I ran the events of the day through my head. “We had chapel as usual where Pastor Fred preached his quarterly sermon on fornication.”
“Hahahaha, you are funny. It is a ritual then?” he asks.
“Yes it is.”
“Did you have any tests?”
“Not today. It’s been a fairly easy day. I do have some group discussions though. Are you going to come back soon?” I ask.
“I have no choice. I have to come back. I just can’t afford to miss too many classes. I will leave here Wednesday evening and get back late. My Thursdays are packed so I want to be back for that. Not every colleague is as kind as you. Thanks for emailing me the notes from Monday’s class.”
“You are welcome. I thought I could type them out, but there were too many equations and formulas so I had to scan them. I hope my writing was legible?” I ask.
“You have a beautiful handwriting. I am glad that I have a copy of something in your handwriting in my possession. I will keep it forever,” he says and my heart starts beating faster.
“You are funny,” I say shakily.
“I am serious,” he says and pauses, “I miss you very much Sally,” he says and once again, my knees feel like jelly. How I wish I was home in my room so I could slide to the floor.
“I didn’t realize how much I appreciated life on campus till I had to spend the night sleeping on a bench in the hospital. I can’t wait to return to normal life. At the same time I am concerned about my mom. Her fear and depression is almost contagious,” he says.
“Are you carrying the Bible with you?” I ask.
“Yes I am. It is sitting here, right next to me. I keep reading scriptures to help me remain grounded. I haven’t actually done any research since I got here. I miss that,” he says.
“You’ve only been gone a day,” I tell him.
“It feels like I have been here for at least a week,” he says.
“It feels that way when the situation is not exactly fun,” I say.
“You are absolutely right,” he says.
“What scripture did you read today for your morning devotion?” I ask.
“I just kept reciting Psalm 23 and the Lord’s prayer,” he says.
“I read something from the Daily Bread. It talked about finding time within our busy schedules to spend time with God,” I say.
“That is so true,” he says. I observe that Elaine is standing by the main door and is beckoning me to come to the class. I am holding up our study group.
“Well, I have to run back to the class,” I say disappointedly, wishing I could stay on the phone longer.
“Sure. Thank you for calling me,” he also sounds disappointed.
“You are welcome. I will call you later in the evening to see how she is doing,” I say.
“That will be great,” he says. There is a brief pause and then he says:
“I love you Sally.”
“We have to talk about that,” I say, surprising myself. Why on earth did I say that? Why didn’t I just say I loved him back?
“You sound like my mother when I do something she doesn’t like,” he says, “Am I in trouble?”
“No you are not in trouble. I er… I …em… I just think we need to talk about us,” I say as I pace up and down, wondering why my lips won’t obey my brain!
“Okay, let’s talk then,” he says.
“Unfortunately, I have a group discussion right now and all the members are waiting on me. I will call you when I get home. Is that alright?” I ask.
“I will keep the phone on my hip,” he says.
“Your phone is always on your hip. It is not like you are doing anything extra special,” I say.
“Okay, I will keep it in my shirt pocket. How about that?” he asks.
“You are crazy. I will talk to you later then?”
“Yes my dear. Enjoy your discussion,” he says. I see a fuming Elaine walking toward me and I quickly say goodbye and run toward her. I am sure she will not be as mad once she hears the conversation William and I just had.
Chapter Six
I get off the bus, completely exhausted from the group discussion. I wave goodbye to Elaine who crosses the street to meet her mother. When I enter the living room, my father is lying on the floor with Samuel. They are playing with his Lego blocks. My mother is in the kitchen fixing dinner.
“I am hungry,” I say.
“I know my dear. Dinner is almost ready. Please set the table,” she says. I run up the stairs to drop my bag on my bed, wash my hands and return to the kitchen. My mother has grilled steak, mashed potatoes, gravy and steamed vegetables. “Is it already Thanksgiving? Didn’t we just start February?” I joke.
“We are celebrating! Your father just got a nice internship that pays very well,” my mother says.
“Do grownups take internships?” I ask.
“I was concerned that I would not be accepted because of my age but they thought my experience was a plus for them. I am so grateful for this. It could lead to a full time job,” he says.
“Well congratulations,” I say, bend down to give him a kiss on the cheek and return to the dining room to help my mother set the table. As we work together she asks me about Williams’ mother, and I share the information that William gave me. She tells me that we have to keep on praying.
After dinner, I run up the stairs. My parents are shocked that I do not stay with them to watch my favorite show, “America has Got Talent”. I have been dying to get to the phone to call William. As I get to the top of the stairs, I hear my phone ringing from my bedroom. It is William. I hope his mother is alright.
“Is everything alright?” I ask.
“I should be asking that question. I called you several times. I was beginning to get worried.”
“You did? I am sorry. I left my phone upstairs while I was having dinner and that is why I missed your calls.”
“What did you have for dinner?” I tell him about the fancy meal and my father’s internship.
“Praise the Lord. I am happy to hear that,” he says. “It is really hard to find paid internships.”
“That is what my dad said,” I remark.
“So what are we supposed to be talking about?” he asks.
“This is an uncomfortable subject,” I say.
“I agree. Would you rather we discussed this in person when I got there?” he asks.
“I think that would be even more difficult. Let us talk about this now,” I say.
“Alright, I am listening,” he says.
“Why should I do the talking?” I ask.
“Oh, I was being chivalrous,” he laughs. “So you wanted to talk about my saying I love you?” he asks.
“Hmmm…yes,” I say.
“Well the Bible commands us to love each other,” he says.
“Oh, I see,” I reply disappointedly, and then quickly I add, “That is what I thought.”
“We are also to greet each other with a holy kiss,” he says with a chuckle.
“I recall there being a verse like that,” I concur, as my heart drops to the floor.
“So there is that kind of love, but I also feel another kind of love,” he says and my heart begins to beat faster. “Sally, you are one of a kind. I have never met anyone like you. You are so helpful and selfless,” he says, as I try to figure out the basis on which he is making his evaluation.
“I have had many friends my own age. We discuss courses, go to the movies, parties and play sports, but none of those friends really get me. You sit with me, chat with me, talk about scripture and you show that you care about me. I don’t know how it happened, but I don’t just love you, I have fallen in love with you,” he says and I slowly slide onto the floor.
“This past year has been the happiest in my life for as long as I can remember. This semester, I wake up excited on Mondays, Wednesday and Friday because I will get to see you. I can’t tell you how great it feels to have someone share the passion for your faith. I thought I loved you but I wasn’t sure till you offered to pray with me when I heard the news about my mom. I was so touched, I almost cried. All I could do was to kiss you on your cheek in appreciation. Then in the evening, you told me how your mother and some friends joined you at church to pray, and I had to pinch my arm to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. I knew then, that I was really in love, and it is a wonderful feeling to have,” he says. I sit silently and listen to him as my heart beats faster than normal, and my body shivers so hard I pull my comforter off my bed and cover myself.
“You are not saying anything,” he says.
“I am listening to you,” I manage to say shakily as I lick my dry lips several times and swallow saliva to moisten my dry throat.
“Yesterday when I said I loved you, you said it back to me,” he says. “Why did you do that?”
“I thought it was the polite thing to do,” I say.
“Oh,” he says sounding deflated.
“Yesterday when you said you loved me, I did not know what you meant. Before I could think of the ramifications of what you had just said, we hang up,” I say.
“I was excited to hear you say you loved me. It made my heart go pitter patter,” he says with a soft laugh. “I also did not understand the context in which you said it, but to hear those words from you, my angel, I felt light as air. That is what kept me going.”
“I also felt my heart miss several beats when I heard you say that you loved me but I thought I was being presumptuous,” I say.
“So you do love me then?” he asks.
“I have never been in love before. I feel so giddy around you and miss you when we are not together. It feels like love,” I say.
“So tell me that you love me too,” William urges.
“Yes, William, I do love you,” I say, feeling elated.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” he screams and I have to move the phone away from my ear because he is shrieking so loudly.
“Gosh, that was loud. Where in the hospital are you?” I ask.
“I am not at the hospital. I am home. I came to pick up some stuff for my dad,” he says. No wonder he could shriek that loudly!
“I am guessing that you are driving and not riding a bike?”
“Haahahaha, yes I am driving. And when I come to school, I will drive… unfortunately. I need to be coming home more frequently to check on Mom.”
“When does the chemotherapy start?” I ask.
“The doctor says in one month. He would have to take out the staples and give her body some time to recover before starting that treatment.”
“I will keep that in mind as we continue to pray,” I say.
“Did I tell you that I love you?” he asks.
“Yes you did.”
“Do you believe me?” he asks softly.
“Yes I do. Though I feel that I am dreaming,” I say.
“It does feel like a dream. But thank God, this is real. I wish I was there to hug you and give you a big kiss,” he says.
“That will be nice,” I say with a smile and my mind goes to Pastor Fred’s sermon, causing an uneasy feeling to settle in my stomach.
“I will see you soon,” he says.
“Sure, drive safely to the hospital,” I caution.
“I will. Love you Sally.”
“I love you too… bye.”
Chapter Seven
The nature of our relationship changes once William returns to school. I am excited to see him, yet I also feel shy. There are some awkward silences and we both act politely. We eventually relax when we start talking about a Bible research project he wants to start working on.
I now pay attention to what I am wearing and I try to be more proactive in doing Bible research. William starts paying for my lunch, which often starts an argument as I do not want him to do that. He also buys me presents. He maintains that people who love each other buy stuff for each other. He however does not want me to get him anything, his argument being that he works and I don’t. When we are away from each other, we text, call or write each other. I write poems about him and read them to him when we are together. We do not go to the Student’s Union building as often and look for more secluded areas on campus where we can avoid bumping into William’s many acquaintances. We both just want to spend time with each other. Thankfully, my parents do not mind that I spend a lot of time with William. My mother feels that he is a good influence on my life. I can’t remember being so happy.
Deanene and Elaine are ecstatic when I update them about the change in our relationship. Occasionally, William drives to school to pick me up, and we all hang out. They love him even more when he takes us all out to eat at a restaurant.
One day, as my mother and I drive home from Salisbury, out of the blue, she begins to ask questions about my relationship with William. I am concerned that she will be upset. I cannot take it for granted that because she approves of William as a friend and Bible study partner, she will approve of him as a boyfriend. When I break the news that William is my boyfriend, she is silent for what seems like an eternity and then she announces that she approves of the relationship. She feels that William is good for me because he is guided by strong Christian principles.
“Your father and I want you to know that your education should be your priority. We expect you to not stray away from your Christian upbringing,” she says and I promise her that I will be guided by my Christian training.
William’s mother has returned home and will start the chemotherapy treatment in a couple of weeks. The doctor pushed the date from four weeks to six as she is still very weak. She has lost her appetite and spends most of her day in bed.
William takes me to his house during one of his visits. It is my first visit to his family home. His mother looks so frail and forces herself to smile when I greet her. She is lying in a recliner in the living room and stays there the whole time, except for when she has to use the bathroom. Her husband and William take turns feeding her. She asks me a few questions to be hospitable, but is pretty quiet throughout the visit. It is hard for me to picture this frail woman as the strict mother that William and his older siblings had been scared of when they were younger.
We leave their home at 5p.m. and drive back to Sayreville. William is quiet during the drive.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
“She appears to be getting weaker and weaker,” he says.
“She did look weak,” I agree.
“I am worried that she has given up. She does not have the will to fight,” he says. “I don’t think she is even praying anymore. She will let you pray for her but she won’t do it herself,” he says.
“Maybe her faith is dwindling,” I say.
“I doubt that she has any left,” he says. His voice breaks as he continues, “I can’t lose my mother. I don’t know what I am going to do without her.” Tears start streaming down his face. He starts to veer over to the other lane.
“Do you want me to drive?” I ask.
“Might be a good idea,” he says without argument. He takes the next exit and pulls into the first gas station he finds, and turns off the ignition. He puts his head on the wheel and cries his heart out. I keep rubbing his back, not knowing what else to do. I say a silent prayer that he will find the strength to hang in there for his mom and I also pray that the mom will be healed.
“Let’s switch seats so I can start driving before it gets too dark,” I say. He nods and lets himself out of the car. I also get out and we meet halfway in front of the car. I hug him and tell him that things would get better. He nods weakly and thanks me. I get into the driver’s seat, adjust the chair and follow the GPS directions back to the highway. Two hours later, we are at my house. William is composed now. He comes inside to say hello to my parents and leaves soon after. My parents ask how the visit went, and I tell them about how sick the mother is. My mother asks us to hold hands and we spend time in prayer for William’s family.
Chapter Eight
It is spring break! My parents are driving to Bethlehem to see our old house and will return in five days. The tenants have complained about a leak in the basement and my parents want to take this opportunity to visit the house. They are going with my younger brother. I am staying home in Sayreville. I have six weeks to take my AP exam and I plan to spend the entire spring break studying. I help my father carry the bags to the car. I wheel the ice chest with all the goodies to the van as my dad checks the engine. He has collapsed all the back seats except my brother’s to allow more room for storage. I fix the portable DVD player behind my mom’s chair. Samuel is in his room selecting the DVDs that he wants to take along. Shortly after, my mom comes out of the house with my brother. They are ready to go. We share hugs and kisses and I wave them goodbye and return to the house. I clear the breakfast table, do dishes, and go upstairs to take a bath.
The weather is very nice today. It is about 70 degrees. I change into a tank top and short skirt and carry my books downstairs. William will be coming by later in the day. I read a chapter in the Book of Luke and then move on to schoolwork. I finish writing my paper on the American government, and I am about to go find something to eat when the doorbell rings. I look through the peephole and it is William.
“You are two hours early,” I say when I open the door.
“I know. I wanted to bring you lunch since you are home alone.”
“My parents left just this morning. I am not starving yet. There is a lot of food in the fridge.”
“You are welcome!” he steps into the living room and steps out of his shoes before collapsing on the sofa.
“I am grateful, but you did not have to cut your hours at work just to bring me lunch,” I say.
“It was a slow day at the restaurant and so Joe asked some of us to volunteer to leave,” he says.
“But that is eating into your hours,” I protest.
“That is fine. I was looking forward to seeing you. It is a win-win situation for me,” he says as he follows me into the kitchen for plates, and pulls a brown bag from his knapsack.
“Chinese?” I ask.
“You have a problem with that?”
“No. I thought you got something from your restaurant. I didn’t know you went all the way to China One.”
“I felt like Chinese and I know you love fried rice.”
“I do,” I say as I clear my books from the table. William brings me a plate of fried rice and chopsticks. “I don’t know how to use these very well.”
“Keep the plate close to your mouth, that way when you drop some of the food, they land right back in the plate,” he advises.
“Looks like the house special fried rice,” I observe.
“You are right on the money,” he says as he expertly transfers food from the plate to his mouth without dropping a morsel of rice. I struggle to eat my food and eventually go for a fork. William uses his chopsticks to take some food from my plate and feeds me. “It is not hard, you just have to hold the sticks the right way,” he says.
“I can’t seem to figure it out. I will use the fork today and will practice later.” William gives an exaggerated sigh and continues eating. We talk about his day. He tells me about work, his morning devotion and then about home.
“I called home. My parents went to the hospital today. Chemo in ten days,” he says.
“She is getting stronger then?” I ask excitedly.
“Not exactly. My dad did say she walked around the house yesterday with little help but she is still weak. The doctor does not want to go beyond the six week mark. He says too much delay might cause the leftover cancer cells to start reproducing.”
“I am praying daily for your mom, for you, and for the rest of your family,” I say, as I take the empty plates to the kitchen. William follows me to help me with the dishes.
“I know you have been praying. I know how much you care,” he says as he places the rinsed dishes into the rack. He proceeds to dry my hands with a paper towel.
“That’s silly. I am not a child,” I say, smiling at him. He finishes drying my hands and dries the few wet spots on his. He holds both my hands and looks into my eyes.
“I believe with all my heart that you are God-sent. I cannot imagine how I would have gone through this without you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with,” he says as a tear runs down his face. He drops one of my hands to wipe the tear off. “I am sorry that I have been crying so much this past few weeks. It is so unlike me,” he says and I touch his cheek with my free hand.
“I am glad that I can be here for you,” I say and he touches my hand on his cheek and brings it to his lips and kisses inside my palm. I feel a tingle go through my entire body. He kisses the other hand as well and uses both of my hands to palm his cheeks. His eyes are closed and his hands are covering mine.
“I thank God so much, so so much, for you,” he says.
“I am grateful for you too,” I say as he opens his eyes and brings down my hands. We are now holding hands and staring at each other.
“I wish I could show you how much I love you, how much you mean to me,” he says.
“But you do show me. You keep buying me stuff,” I say.
“That is nothing,” he says. “You are worth much more than those things.”
“That is a sweet thing to say,” I say with a shy smile.
“You have a beautiful smile. You are a beautiful person inside and out,” he says smiling and reaches to move some wayward strands of hair from my face. Next he cups my chin and moves toward me. He bends slightly and plants a kiss on my lip, pauses briefly and plants another kiss on my lip. Then he holds my face in both hands and kisses me. My very first French kiss! His tongue explores my mouth and I find myself kissing him back. I can taste the Chinese we had for lunch. We kiss for some time and then he pulls back.
“You are so beautiful, Sally.” He leads me to the couch and we sit down. “I feel full inside,” he says.
“That was a big plate of Chinese you had,” I say with a laugh.
“No it is not the Chinese,” he says seriously. “I feel whole, complete, inside,” he rubs his left hand on his chest and he uses his right hand to touch my bare knee. He begins to rub his hands on my knee, then my thigh. It feels so good! I rub my hands on my thigh several times and it does not feel like this. I feel funny inside, a good kind of funny. William gets on his knees and starts kissing my thigh. He holds my waist firmly as he kisses my thighs. He then places his head on my tummy and I run my hand through his hair. I can understand what he means by feeling full. My heart feels so full too.
“I love you so much, William,” I say softly.
He lifts his head and kisses me on my lips. We keep kissing and William leans into me so that we are lying on the couch. He starts pulling off my tank top. Part of me is horrified but part of me is glad that he is touching my almost naked body. We keep kissing, then William takes off his T-shirt, then his pants. We are both almost completely naked! The realization sends a wave of shock and horror through me, and I try hard not to stare. William does not appear to notice. Now he is lying on me, too involved in what he is doing to notice that I am no longer participating. I am no longer lost in a world of pleasure like I had been just moments ago. I want to stop him but I do not know how. It feels like we have gone too far to turn back, but then he goes even further than I ever thought he would. I feel extreme pain and discomfort, and that is when I realize I should have… could have stopped him before it got this far. It is now as if the connection between us no longer exists. I am waiting for it to end and he is lost in his world, moaning and calling out my name in ecstasy. Just when I think I cannot bear it for another moment, the home phone begins to ring loudly and repeatedly.
Chapter Nine
William yanks himself from me so forcefully that he falls off the couch and seizes his clothes. I am disoriented for a second and hurry to the phone. The caller ID is not familiar. Must be a telemarketer. It hits me that I am standing there naked. I run to the couch for my clothes and quickly dress up.
“May I use your bathroom?” William asks and I point him to the bathroom even though he knows where it is. When he closes the door behind him, I sit in the couch and bury my face in my hands. What just happened? Oh my God, what just happened? Did I just have sex? As the realization of what has happened hits me with full force, I begin to shiver. I get up and pace up and down the living room.
“Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I scream and William races out of the bathroom fully dressed.
“What is it?”
“Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” I shout again and I start crying.
“What is going on?” he asks again.
“Oh God, we just… we just… oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo!” William walks over to me and tries to touch me.
“Don’t you touch me!” I scream, and he jumps away from me.
“Oh God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Oh I am going to hell,” I say as I keep sobbing hysterically.
“You are not going to hell,” William says.
“Yes we both are!”
“No we are not,” he says.
“What do you mean we are not? The Bible says flee fornication and we just did it. How did it happen? We were supposed to be studying. Why didn’t I stop? Why couldn’t you stop?”
“Did you want me to stop?”
“Of course I did want you to stop. What are you saying? You were planning to have sex with me?” I blubber.
“No I wasn’t planning to. It just happened naturally,” he says.
“It cannot happen naturally. It is not supposed to happen! Oh God, please forgive me,” I say as I kneel on the floor with my elbow on the couch. “Let’s pray,” I yell to him and William comes to kneel beside me. I scoot away from him so he doesn’t touch me.
“You, pray!” I command.
“Em, em, let’s just say the Lord’s Prayer,” he says.
“The Lord’s Prayer is not enough. We need a bigger prayer, a more serious prayer. Something that shows how sorry we are,” I say.
“Jesus taught us to pray that prayer,” he reasons in a soothing manner.
“But he taught it to proper Christians, not fornicators,” I say. “We have to pray our own prayer, to show him how sorry we are. You are sorry right?”
“Well…” he says and I cut him off.
“You are not sorry? How can you not be sorry? You are the one who carries your Bible daily and are always quoting scripture. How hypocritical can you be?” I yell.
“I did not say that I wasn’t sorry,” he says.
“But you hesitated. If you are truly contrite, you don’t have to hesitate,” I say.
“I am sorry,” he says resignedly.
“I don’t believe you!” I say as I pace around the house. A thought comes to mind and I turn sharply to face him, “Were you a virgin before today?” He looks down at the carpet and shakes his head. “YOU HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE?” I ask in disbelief.
William says softly. “I am almost 20, Sally.”
“But you are Christian! I can’t believe this. You are a liar!”
“You never asked me about it,” he says.
“I took it for granted that you practiced what the Bible preached,” I say.
“I am not perfect Sally. We are all fallible,” he says.
“But you do not go back to the same sin. If you have repented… genuinely repented, you don’t fall into the same trap!”
“It is not as easy as you make it sound,” he says.
“I trusted you!” I shriek as I sit on the ground, bury my head in my thighs and cry my heart out. William tries to touch me again. I shrug his hands off. “I want you to leave my house,” I say.
“Sally,” he tries to reason.
“Just leave,” I say. I keep my head in between my knees till I hear William leave. I feel him hesitate at the door but I do not raise my head. Eventually I hear him shut the door behind him. I lie prostrate on the floor and cry. I am so sorry God. I promised this will never happen and I failed miserably. I am so sorry.
I cry and cry till there are no tears left. I go to the bathroom and step under the hot running water. A flashback of what William and I did comes to mind and a fresh wave of guilt washes over me. I can’t believe that the only thing that stopped us was that call from the telemarketer. I feel so dirty. The hot water gushing from the shower cannot make me clean. Eventually, I get out of the shower and go to my room to get dressed. I find a long shirt and long pants and I put them on even though the temperature is warm. I am unable to look at myself in the mirror and quickly walk past it. I go back to the living room to continue studying. I unconsciously sit on the sofa and jump up as I remember what just took place there. I move to the dining hall to work on my calculus. William and I were supposed to study together. I firmly push him out of my thoughts and force myself to concentrate on my textbook. As I work through some equations, the word “pregnant” flashes through my mind. Oh my God! I had not thought about that. He did not use protection! I do not want to talk to William but I have to call him.
“I am so glad you called,” he says when he picks up.
“Am I going to get pregnant?”
“No, you are not.”
“How can you be certain?”
“I did not get the opportunity to… to finish,” he says. “Sally, can I come so we talk?”
“No way. I don’t want to see you anywhere near my house,” I yell and I hang up. I return to my work and then another thought flashes through my mind: “STD”,
“AIDS”. Oh my God, I could contract a disease. Who knows how many people he has slept with? I call William back.
“Thank you for calling back Sally,” he starts.
“Could I contract an STD?”
“No, Sally…”
“AIDS?”
“Of course not,” he says.
“How can you be sure? Were you ever tested?”
“No,” he sighs.
“Then you don’t know. You may have a disease and you could have passed it on to me. I think I should go for an AIDS test,” I say. “I will do that before my parents come home.”
“It is too soon to do an AIDS test. You need to wait at least six months before doing so,” he says. “I promise you that you will not contract anything from me.”
“When was the last time you slept with some one?” I ask.
“About a year and a half ago,” he says.
“How many people have you slept with?” I ask. He doesn’t answer. “HOW MANY?” I shout.
“Sally can I come over? Or maybe meet you somewhere?” he asks.
“I have to study,” I say and I hung up.
Chapter Nine
The days following our escapade, are the most difficult in my life. I have to try and act as normal as possible so that my parents and my friends don’t figure out that something is wrong with me. I am unable to eat well or laugh at Deanene or Elaine’s jokes. I had been shocked when Deanene confessed about Phillip and her boyfriend to us. I had been hurt that she was holding out on us, but I can now understand how difficult it is to share something like this. I feel like a hypocrite. I can clearly remember me on my high horse insisting that we have to stick to the letter of the Bible. How on earth can I tell Deanene and Elaine that I am a fornicator? I have daily nightmares of contracting an STD. If I don’t have the STD dream, I have the dream where I am pregnant. The nightmares become worse when the expected day for my menstruation passes and nothing shows.
I feel too ashamed to look Pastor Fred in the face. I feel that he can look right through me and see the sinner that I am. I am grateful that the next preaching on fornication will be in the fall. I would have graduated by then. I use the AP exam as an excuse for why I am more subdued. When I am asked about William, I say that he is busy with school, work, and his mother and so we don’t see each other often. William has tried to call me, but I will not pick up or return his texts. I avoid our usual spots on campus and arrive in class just after the professor does, that way I don’t have to talk to him. I have resorted to sitting in front of the class so that I can escape even before the professor is done putting away his teaching aides.
Today after class, I hurry out as usual but William manages to catch up with me.
“What is it?” I ask with a scowl. He hands me two printouts and walks away. I look at the papers. One is the result of an STD test and shows that he is not carrying an STD. The second is the results for an AIDS test. The results are negative. What a relief! I lift up my head to say thanks but he is nowhere to be seen. I do not have AIDS or an STD but I could still be pregnant!
Chapter Ten
I am in my room doing some school work when my mother comes in.
“I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept tossing and turning. I had a dream about William’s mother. I have never met her, but in the dream I knew she was the one. She was jumping up and down and doing cartwheels. She seemed to be happy and full of energy,” she says.
“That is good to hear. I think she was scheduled to start her chemo sometime early last week. Maybe your dream is assuring us that she will get better after chemo.”
“I hope so,” my mother says. “Like I said, she was happy in the dream but for some reason I wasn’t having a restful sleep. It was as if I was having a nightmare,” my mother says. She asks that we pray for Williams’s mom. I close my eyes and listen to my mother pray. I start to feel bad that I have not prayed for her in a while. I have also not prayed for William. I have been so mad at him that I have stopped praying for him. I have not been able to pray for myself either, except to ask for forgiveness. I feel so distant from God and I was sure he would punish me with an STD. I was so relieved to read that William was clean. I still don’t think God has completely forgiven me. Why else would I be several days late?
When my mom finishes praying she leaves for the kitchen. I study for a couple of hours and I begin to feel some cramps in my abdomen. I must be hungry. Let me go get a sandwich. I save the paper I am writing on the computer, and head for the kitchen. Before that, I step into the bathroom to urinate. I feel some gooey stuff when I wipe, and it takes my mind to the day when William and I sinned. Why on earth must there by any goo there? I lift the used toilet paper for inspection and see it is colored red. I draw in a deep breath. I am not pregnant. “Thank you Father!” I say out loud. I get cleaned and head for the stairs. Before I arrive at the kitchen, I hear my cellphone ring in the bedroom and run back upstairs to pick the call. It is William. He hasn’t called me in a while. Now that I am certain I am not pregnant and do not carry a disease, I feel bad about the way I behaved towards him. Well, I guess it’s time I apologized for shutting him out.
“Hello?” I say.
“My mom is gone,” he says in tears.
“Huh?”
“My mom just passed away,” he says.
“No, that is not possible. My mom said she dreamt about her and she was alive and happy, and was doing cartwheels,” I say.
“Your mom has never met my mom,” he reminds me.
“I know. She said in her dream she was absolutely certain that it was your mom,” I say.
“Well clearly it wasn’t, because they just declared her dead,” he says and starts crying on the phone. “They just wheeled her away. She looked so still… too still.”
“I am so sorry to hear that William,” I say, realizing that he has gone home this weekend.
“I didn’t know who else to call. I know you don’t want to talk to me. But you are one of the few people who can understand what I am going through,” he says.
“I am glad you called,” I say.
“Really?”
“I am sorry for shutting you out,” I say.
“I understand. I have done some soul searching and I realized that I have not been 100% committed to my Christian walk. I have vowed to do better. When I heard that my mom had died, I blamed myself. I felt that God was punishing me for my sin,” he says. I can understand what William is saying because I have been having those same thoughts… till my period arrived. I share this information with him.
“I told you that you would not be pregnant,” he says.
“Well I didn’t believe you then. Today however, it was a sign to me that God is not so mad at me. I no longer feel that He is out to get me,” I say.
“I am glad you are able to see it that way,” he says.
“In the same vein, you cannot take the blame for your mother’s death. She was sick before anything happened between us.”
“Rationally, I know that. The doctor said that she had a fatal allergic reaction to the drug they administered for her chemo.”
“Oh no!”
“I understand it is a rare occurrence but ironically, the treatment that was supposed to save her, killed her.”
“Your poor mother,” I empathize.
“You know what, she already gave up several weeks ago. I wish she had fought harder. I am sure she will still be alive,” he says.
“Well, she is supposed to be in a better place,” I say.
“I know she is in heaven but I still miss her. Very much.”
“Maybe my mom’s dream was a message for you. She is in heaven doing cartwheels. She is doing alright,” I say with realization.
“Perhaps you have a point there,” he says.
“I am really sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through,” I say.
“Pray for my family okay?”
“I will. For the past couple of weeks, I have not been able to do so because I didn’t feel worthy, but I am learning to forgive myself,” I say.
“I know what you mean. I had to remember how to be genuinely sorry about what I had done, for me to be able to repent,” he says.
We are silent on the phone for some time, lost in our individual thoughts. My mother yells for me to come help her in the kitchen and I tell her I will be downstairs shortly.
“The funeral should be on Thursday. I will be back by the weekend.”
“I will tell my parents about it. Maybe we can come for the funeral?”
“That will be nice,” he says. “Well I have to go. Remember to keep me in your prayers.”
“I will,” I say. “Bye, William.”
“Bye, Sally.” He hangs up.
I sit on my bed and hug my pillow. These past few weeks have been emotionally draining. I am relieved that I am not pregnant, but I am sad that William lost his mother. I can’t imagine how he feels. I have been so upset at him and at us… but more at him for allowing what we did to happen. I expected him to know better because he was a better Christian than I was, and he was older. I realize now that I placed too much faith in William’s ability to remain infallible. He is human after all… just like me. I have to take responsibility for my actions and for my Christian growth, because I am the one who will face the consequences of my actions.
After the spring break debacle, I have not thought about the possibility of us becoming close again, but after that phone call, I know that I still care about him. I am very terrified about a relationship with him. I don’t want to repeat the mistake we made yet I do not want to cut William out of my life. I still can’t bring myself to think about that day, but I am gradually learning to forgive myself. Hopefully I will be able to forgive William completely too.
The End